How to write a bestselling Christian book

[This is an attempt to parody a lot of what flies of the shelves of Christian bookshops. I hope it doesn’t sound like tough cheese.]

You are just a few steps from writing a bestselling Christian book. How do you do it? The first thing you must do is begin your book with a sensational claim. People want to believe that when they read your book their life is going to change forever. You are giving them the keys, the steps, to their best life. You are giving them insights they cannot find anywhere else.

There are a few more keys I want to share with you. Perhaps the most important is to include lots of stuff Jesus said, but make sure it’s completely unrecognisable. After all, that’s what he told us to do when he said, “Seriously guys, you need to get with the program.”

The single sentence paragraph shows profound depth.

Here and there you’re going to need to litter your pages with insightful diagrams that really capture the essence of what you’re about. They’re memorable. They’re repetitive. They’re repetitive. And most importantly, people won’t forget them.Important Diagram

It’s so. Important. To master. The sentence. That’s broken. By full-stops. That’s how. You make. Your point.

And never, ever neglect headings

If you write in long, impenetrable paragraphs, people are going to think you’re trying too hard. They’re going to think you’re into theology. And the truth is, you’re not. As Karl Barth once put it, “Theology is not a private subject for theologians only. Nor is it a private subject for professors. Fortunately, there have always been pastors who have understood more about theology than most professors. Nor is theology a private subject of study for pastors. Fortunately, there have repeatedly been congregation members, and often whole congregations, who have pursued theology energetically while their pastors were theological infants or barbarians. Theology is a matter for the Church.” Clearly he was wrong.

And when you’re getting

to

the

point

of the

whole

book

you’re going to spread the words out so that you don’t have to write too much. Writing is hard work.

As the rabbis used say, “If you quote us, you’re definitely going to be a bestseller.”

Now. Do. It.

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